Getting Old

Recently I turned_____.  I am not going to tell you how old because all the cards and comments are the same age shaming remarks.  I could be turning 32 or 47 or 63 and it's always 'wow, you is getting old.  You old.  You an old mofo.'.  What is wrong with being old?  With all the botox and cheap face lifts and affordable Olay creams, this is a great time to be old.  For woman, there are many ways to take 10 or 15 years off your age.   Read on if you want to get carded again for my tips on looking and acting young:

1. Use face cream - for goat's sake, use face cream.  Every night and every day.  It doesn't even have to be expensive.  It could be coconut cream or even vegetable oil.  Olive oil if your husband or boyfriend is Italian.  Garlic oil if your husband or boyfriend grosses you out and you just want to sleep at night or be left alone.  And put it on your neck too. I have noticed so many woman have a nice moisturized face skin but as soon as they turn their heads, I can see the chicken wrinkles on their necks.

2. Cover your grays - the only exception to this rule is if you are mostly grey, like 90% and if you are, you could give a rat's ass about people's opinion and you will wear that grey like a badge of bad ass so you go.  But if you are not normally grey and Groupon is not offering good hair color services, then cover your greys with temporary cover.  

3. Use the word 'Bitch' and 'Asshole' more often - Contrary to what Yale professors say, using words like 'What a bitch' or 'he is such an asshole' makes you appear immature and shaves 10 years off your assumed age.  It also attracts younger people who are generally limited in their vocabulary. So if you hang around younger people, other folks will think you are younger, immature, and need to use sun block.  

4.  Wear blue nail polish - this is more rebellious than getting a snake tattoo.   Blue nail polish tells your judgers that you had conservative safe nail color choices.  Colors that a corporate shrimp would deem acceptable but you took the road littered with beer cans and chose blue nail polish.  Age minus 10 years.

5. Let friends know you crap at least 3 times a day - Not only will this make you appear immature but it's a physical ability most older folks don't have. It's one of those things old lucky folks brag about in nursing homes.  

Count your blessing with every birthday.  If you are older than 70 and reading this, you are one lucky person. 

Anti Bully Program a total fail

Recently a middle school in Pittsburg tried this anti bullying program where they asked the kids questions like "have you ever been made fun of for being fat?" and "Are your parents of the same sex?" and "Has anyone in your family ever been in jail?" and then grouped the kids according to their answers. The parents were pissed when they found out their kids participated in this exercise which would serve to give the bullies more material to pick on the kids.  The school is all like "...they didn't have to answer the questions...".  Whatever.  These are 13 year olds and they are going to do what they are asked to do so to not get in trouble. 
Obviously, the program was a fail.  Parents are suing and the bullies now have real facts to use when insulting and harassing their victims.  
A better and more effective program would ask different questions and group the kids accordingly.  In my version of the program, the questions would be:

1. Do you have an older sibling that belongs to the MS13 gang?
2. Have you ever prayed for something horrible to happen to someone and it did happen?  Are you a person of strong faith?
3. Do you have access anthrax? Is chemistry your favorite subject?
4. Do you own a pit bull? Do you have access to a pit bull?  Are you related to Michael Vick?
5. Do you have a parent who works for the IRS?

Original bully cartoon. I titled it 'BURN IN HELL BULLY'

In the end of the program, I would hand out voodoo dolls to all the kids and tell them the voodoo magic will activate if anyone bullies you.  

I know this program may have some flaws but if it can stop one bully from picking on a poor child, then I think it is worth implementing.