School Field Trips

Today, for the 7th time, I went on a school field trip to the zoo. Having two children in elementary school, this is a regular yearly gig for me. This time however, it was different and if you are a teacher hating your job and the world, I recommend you continue reading. Instead of walking around the zoo and hoping to catch a Bengal Tiger mauling a baboon or catching elephants mating, we were given a set of questions we had to answer at most expeditions. So while we were doing the lunch time countdown, we actually learned some really good useless information.
For example, did you know that the white Bengal tiger, the one that almost killed one of the better half's of that fabulous Vegas couple, is on it's way to becoming extinct? How does an animal that is on top of the food chain become extinct? It's not like they're neutered or spayed and I am sure they have the sex drive of a rookie NFL player, so how can it be that they are not reproducing? And did you know that the crane bird is monogamous? If you're thinking how can that be possible, then you're a whore, but to be fair, those birds all look the same. None of them gain weight and the females don't have breasts. The males all have the same temperament and the females complain about the same damn thing all the time, they literally are all the same. There is another animal that I can't remember now where the father raises the young while the mother goes and tries to get knocked up again. Wow. With the exception of the mother birds getting knocked up again, those birds can be really good role models for ghetto high school students.
Also, if you ever see a really pretty vibrant colored frog, stay the hell away from it. Those frogs are from the rainforest and each one can kill up to 22 humans. I know you're thinking "hey...this is bad information for someone in the wrong mind" but I am thinking "hey...let this person try to grab this frog" and no, latex surgical gloves won't protect you from the poison.
As you can see, I learned alot of good information from this one zoo trip. I am seriously considering trading my ill-tempered watch-dog pitbull for a group of rainforest frogs.

Texting

I am finally getting a phone with text messaging. I should note today is Monday, September 27, 2010. I have avoided texting because I don't know how to drive and text at the same time and I am really glad it's a law that penalizes texters caught doing that. So that is one milestone development I can skip. Texting was invented because of people who talk too damn much and don't know when to shut up. How many of us have fallen victim to someone's endless rattles about a dramatic day? How can you end a conversation in the middle of a emotionally charged rant when all your doing is praying that THEY get an interruption. When the interruption happens on their end, it's like hitting the lottery. When hope of ending the call fades, your brain plans the escape strategy while your lips play interferance by saying "yeah...really...wow...yup...I hear ya...". Caller ID was a great way to avoid them, but then we knew at some point a conversation had to happen and we ran out of excuses of not calling back. We can only fake so many headaches that made us go to bed early. So now all we have to do is text this: "hi got ur msg. hope all is well. i call u nxt week 4 lunch. cant wait to catch up." Not only are you avoiding a verbal conversation, but your writing skills will earn you a F minus minus in grammer. Leave it to texting to undo years of learning proper English grammer. Sadly, there are many folks who write business emails using texting grammer. Could this also be a contributing factor to our high unemployment rate? "hi its mary. i applied for teh admin job adn wanted to know if iam hired. pls reply." For now I think we can blame unemployment to folks getting dumb in their writing. That is until everyone starts using texting grammer. What a decline in our society. It's like we're being invaded by a bunch of __________ . I left this blank because I know we all have some ugly inside of us about how we feel of certain people. Back to texting...I am just glad I'll be able to keep in touch with people I don't like to associate with. What a great device to make me seem like such a caring person. I just hope it doesn't turn me into a grammerly deficiently writeress.

In the Beginning (again)

I started to write about why you need to read me. But I am not really good at selling myself, which is why prostitution was never an option as a career choice. So let me start by telling you about my girls scout meeting yesterday.
First, there is four troop leader with me being the laziest one. There is one leader with that type A personality who takes control of everything. This okay with the rest of us since we have a type C- personality. Works for me since there is no money involved in this. I know most of you are thinking that there should be glory and pride in shaping our girls of the future, but there really isn't. Ideally, if they do something so wonderful that their story gets published in Readers Digest, you would hope they would give a shout out to you. But what if they end up as a crack head? Do you still take credit for that? Hell no. That's her mama's fault.
Anyways, so we always start the meeting with a snack. And by 'snack' I mean a plateful of crap that would normally be used to lure away members from a Weight Watcher's meeting. Not only do they inhale it down, they leave a mess when they come back for seconds. It's funny...you can whisper 'come get your snacks' in pig latin and they understand you just fine. But they develop deafness when asked to clean up. This is normally how the meetings start. Then we either have a craft just to make them feel useful, or we have a Q and A session about an upcoming event. This is why I get mad when we tell kids 'There are no such things as stupid question'. No! There is! And if I was in charge of the Q & A session, I would warn them that if they ask stupid questions they would be banned from having a snack. The only proven way to alter their immature behavior is to withhold the snacks. Not breakfast, lunch, or dinner....snacks. Just snacks.
I know you're thinking my negitive attitude belongs in the toilet. But I promise you I always put on a nice fake smile and phoney happy attitude when I am at these meetings. So it's all good. Oh, yeah. I was suppose to talk about my actual meeting yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was just happy to leave 10 minutes early.