A Skin Cream made from Foreskin

Recently my sister introduced me to a skin cream that has the circumcised foreskin of a baby's wiener.  The cream claims that the cells of the foreskin contain this human ingredient that will help your skin with...come on everyone, say it with me...wrinkles, fine lines, uneven tone and texture in 30 days.  It also costs well over $100.  I can't tell you how much money I have spent on face creams with the main ingredients being something totally odd that only a hallucinating scientist can concoct that are supposed to make my skin look better.  I have tried creams with snail slime, emu oil, tomato acid, ashes from a deadly volcano, fish eggs, cow urine, a plum that only grows in Australia and a whole array of funky acids.  Since I had spent so much money on it, my mind and I really wanted them to work.  I would look in the mirror and try to convince myself that it really was working.   I even went as far as marking the longitude and latitude of all the wrinkles and discolorations of my skin so that I can have a tool to measure my success.  Did any of those creams make me look like the photoshopped girls in beauty ads? Yes, they all did, but only for that period of time where I had to justify spending one month of wine money to help my skin look flawless.  It's like if someone tells you that repeating the letter 'D' 10 times mimics the mating call for human lice and it's a sure way to contract them, you're going to wake up in the middle of the night itching like crazy.  The mind does crazy things.  These companies that sell expensive skin creams with wiener skins or butterfly snot are banking in with the fact that you will temporarily believe anything they claim.  But let's just get analytical for a moment and think about the process of obtaining baby foreskin to use in a skin cream.  To get the skin in the first place, the representatives of the company would have to supply Ziplock baggies to the neonatal unit to collect the foreskins.  I am assuming there is not a market for this among Jewish hospitals.  At some point, some crazy nurse is going to ask a lot of questions which will ultimately involve lawyers to represent the babies and demand compensation for the 'parental voluntary removal of a human fiber for the purpose or purpose(s) of obtaining financial investment and returns containing or claiming to contain the beneficial results of such modifications exempifying elaborated efforts of the proclamation of declaration by emancipation as stated in 85th Amendment of Pennsylvania ruling'.   I swear I think lawyers go to law school just to learn how to confuse people, but that's why no one questions class action lawsuits. 
My point is, it's not that simple collecting baby foreskins.  I am sure if  you read the fine line, which is always written in a .000000001 font size, it will say that the main ingredient is cabbage which is suppose to have the same properties as a baby foreskin.  I just don't believe any expensive cream will be any better than the grocery store ones. I guess I am just a jaded lover of expensive skin cream. 

Be careful of the sample lady.

I hate walking through the make up section in fancy ass department stores.  One time as I was making my way to the 75% off red sticker tag shoe rack in Dillards, I passed by the Keihls skin department. I probably spelled Keihls wrong, but you know the line of overpriced skin care I am referring to.  I noticed a jar of cream sitting out very close to the isle with little ice cream spoons in it.  Without thinking, which I don't do much at department stores anyway, I grabbed a sample of the cream and out of no where, a sales lady with NASA grade jetpacks landed in front of me.  She started telling me about how awesome the cream is with the complete line of facial stuff that imprisons moisture into your skin and wanted to demonstrate the whole process to me.  Now I am not witty enough to think of an excuse to escape this service to get suckered into buying some overpriced crap that never delivers what the photoshopped models look like.  She also claimed that it's her favorite product, yet I can still tell from her looks that she smokes, doesn't get enough sleep, and is probably going through a dysfunctional relationship with some a-hole she met online.  So if she is using product line, which costs half of an average monthly mortgage; or two months of workman's comp pay if you're trailer trash, that it doesn't work.  How could I tell her that her face is proof the creams don't work?  Still, I am polite enough to allow the presentation while looking from the corner of my eye at the size 7 rack of shoes.  If you have ever been in this situation, here is your out.  Commit this to memory because it is literally your 'get out of buying overpriced skin crap' card:  "I have major skin sensitivity which puts me in a mild cardiac arrest.  I would like a sample to test out with a team of doctors on alert in the in event that the ingredient's don't agree with me.'.  I promise you it works like a charm.  They won't even ask you to elaborate because nobody cares about your medical problems.  Or, maybe you're cup is half full and you look at the positive and decide that ramon noodles for dinner ain't that bad, so you blow your grocery budget on a 1.75 ounce of face cream. Good for you.  You gotta love a woman or man who holds tight to the pant leg of their youth. 

What can smoking to do you?

http://www.cnn.com/2013/10/31/health/smoking-aging-identical-twins/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

A CNN article about aging twins shows photos of the puffing twin compared to the non-puffing twin.  At the time of this writing, there were only 4 to 5 photos. 

Now I am not a smoker. I have other bad habits but smoking is not one of them.  When I saw the headline of this article, I expected to see the smoking twin look like a bad DUI mugshot.  It didn't.  I didn't see a dramatic difference in appearance.  The smoker did have a few more wrinkles, but nothing Retina-A and botox can't fix. The smoking twin did look a bit angry, but one can imagine why.  Undocumented studies have shown that twins are very jealous of each other.  So you can imagine the mood at the photo session.  Hey twin A, lets take a side by side photo of you and your healthy twin so the we can see how ugly your are because you smoke.  If I was R.J. Reynolds, I would sue for slander if someone said my product made them ugly.  Yes, it is true that smoking causes cancer and birth defects like Michael Moore, but to say it makes one ugly is taking it too far. 

Like I said, I am not a smoker.  I don't have anything against smokers unless they blow that crap in my face.  But I do think we are making it life more stressful for smokers by banning them from anywhere that has four walls and making them stand ten thousand feet away to have a puff.  Are we not suppose to be helping them as a society? Do we actually think a gum and a skin sticker solves all their problems?  We are just adding to their stress by shunning them and what does stress do to smokers?  It makes them smoke more.  And for them to smoke, they have to go somewhere far far away like in the woods.  That's why California has all these forest fires.  It's because of their strict smoking policies that bans smoking from everywhere expect under the ocean and in the woods.

If I was a smoker, the CNN article would be good news to me.  So smokers, puff away if you care more about your appearance then your health.  Sure your life expectancy decreases, but that just means you won't ever have to worry about paying loans off completely.  Your short life will be good.

Frye boots are an investment!

By investing I mean investing in your comfort, looks, and health of your foot. First let me tell you I have bunions that make shoe fitting worse than a bikini fitting. I mean imagine trying on bikinis after New Years with all the extra turkey pounds and unshaved bikini line...yes, that ugly. So when I first slipped on these boots I felt an instant love and connection that is only experienced when a puppy falls asleep on your lap. I walked over to the full length mirror and the world stopped. It was just me and the boot on. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I walked around thinking that my feet would hurt or something, but it did not. Instant love, instant comfort. I wasn't even heartbroken when I saw the $350 price tag because I knew a boot this awesome is not for everyone. Only for people who like to be treated like a queen from a boot. I purchased them a few weeks later since I had to make the case to my husband (who buys his shirts from WalMart) about WHY I had to have these boots. I wear them all the time with just about anything. They are extremely comfortable, even after hours of walking. I get so many compliments and jealous looks from them that I have to be careful not to wear them around unmedicated bi-polar drama queens. Now, I said these boots are an investment because of the comfort and you won't be wasting your money paying a podiatrist to fix your feet. Trust me when I say you won't regret purchasing these boots. Maybe your utility bill might be late or your might go hungry for a few days, but it's sooooo worth it.

Apple Cidar Vinegar

I started the ACV drink a couple years ago, but never stayed regular with it because of the straight taste/smell. Yeah, I know I KNOW...add some honey, sugar, blah blah blah...but I just got too lazy. I told my friend about it and she has been taking it regularly since because it keeps her healthy, where as before she was always getting sick with something nasty.
But since I started working a 8 hour desk job 2 months ago, my weight is slowly creeping up, even with working out 3 times/week and being fairly healthy in my eating. So I am giving this ACV a try in addition to all the other stuff I am doing to see if my love handles will stop loving me so much.
However, I have been reading these Amazon reviews on Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar and they all sound the same (This stuff cured my dandruff; my face is clearer; heartburn is gone, I no longer spit out fire like a Shanghi dragon; my pants are fitting better; I took it to the middle east and now there is peace there). Seriously, they all sound the same. Not only that, the grammer is the same. I have read enough Amazon reviews to know there are alot of people tht r just too lazy or dumm to rite sentences that are at least acceptable on a third grade level. All the positive reviews have the same good grammer, enthusiasm about the product, and some Heinz bashing as well. I just hope it's all true and it's not some scheme by Braggs to boost their reputation.
I gave the product 3 starts. So why 3 stars from me? The first star is for my friend who claims it keeps her healthy, and she is a hypochondriac. The second star is because I actually like ACV on my food...I just don't like it straight. The third star is because I did drink it today with lots of water and it didn't taste as bad as I remembered it. It tastes like distilled purified water that came from a sewage plant in Bangladash. I know that is confusing because I say I do like ACV on food, but then I get images of Deepak Chopra's childhood neighborhood when I drink it.
With all that said, I promise to drink it every day for the 3 weeks starting Monday. Why Monday? Because this Sunday is superbowl and I plan on drinking lots of alcohol. I will also update at the end of the 3 weeks and let you know if my love handles have dumped me.

Did your mom make you fat?

A recent study published in this weeks Pediatrics finds that weak emotional bonds between mothers and their girl toddlers increased the chances of the little girls becoming obese in their teens. The study concluded that those girls become emotional eaters and it encourages mothers to strengthen the bond with their daughters. While I like that the study encourages mothers to be more connected with their daughters, I just don't agree with the findings. For one thing, the study should look further into relationships those scale-tipping girls have with their grandparents, especially their grandmothers. If the mother is robbing her daughter of weekend pedicure trips and matching outfits, chances are the daughter is closer to the grandmother. The word 'grandmother' is synonymous with 'secret recipe chocolate cake', 'worlds best cassorole', 'corn muffins', and 'apple pie'. No one can leave their grandmother's house with their jeans buttoned because grandmothers will feed you and feed you more until you beg them to stop. They mean well and they are only doing it because you have been neglected by your own mother, but they can't see that the excessive gross amounts of food they are pushing is the reason cities like San Francisco are banning toys from happy meals. The bottom line is this: when mothers neglect their daughters, the daughters will seek that relationship with their grandmothers and grandmothers are food pushers.
Another reason could be that parents are afraid to tell their teen daughter that she really doesn't need to eat that burrito at ten o'clock at night for the fear of their daughter developing anorexia or having to answer 'yes' to the dreaded question of '...you think I am too fat, don't you???'
Instead of tiptoeing around the issue of obesity with teen girls, perhaps they should be reminded of the health problems associated with eating too little and eating too much. Both which can result in death. Yes, use the word 'death'. Being obese or anorexic limits choices of boyfriends as well. It means you will only be dated by men who need you for money or a greencard. It also limits your choices of clothing. Too skinny and you'll have to buy your clothes at places that sell cloth pipe covers. Too fat, well, stores are selling clothes large enough to cover a car, but they will still be stuck with that loser boyfriend.

Cats and Dogs

Why is it that women who live alone with 3 cats are considered to be loners who collect flowery things and know way too much about the history of Polka music? But woman who live alone with 3 dogs are considered to be athletic with short hair and shop at Eddie Bauer? A man who lives alone with 3 cats has mommy issues and has never had a girlfriend. A man who lives with 3 dogs probably has all his hair, but can stay in a romantic relationship for only 4 months. A woman who owns a snake also has many tattoos and piercings that get infected from time to time. She also has short black hair. A man who owns a snake probably never washes his jeans and talks too much. A woman who owns a rabbit or a hamster has been off Prozac for about a year and talks like a robot in their voice mail greeting. A man who owns a rabbit is probably a gourmet cook with anger issues. A man or a woman who owns more than 4 house animals has no sense of smell and not many friends. A man or a woman who owns a wild exotic animal will always be declined for a life insurance policy.
Anyone who owns a beta fish is lazy and probably lives in a deplorable living condition. If you own a horse, you are probably in the upper tax bracket.
These are my uneducated conclusions and if they bother you, then you need to lose your flowery trinket collection or clean your piercings with alcohol.