A recent study published in this weeks Pediatrics finds that weak emotional bonds between mothers and their girl toddlers increased the chances of the little girls becoming obese in their teens. The study concluded that those girls become emotional eaters and it encourages mothers to strengthen the bond with their daughters. While I like that the study encourages mothers to be more connected with their daughters, I just don't agree with the findings. For one thing, the study should look further into relationships those scale-tipping girls have with their grandparents, especially their grandmothers. If the mother is robbing her daughter of weekend pedicure trips and matching outfits, chances are the daughter is closer to the grandmother. The word 'grandmother' is synonymous with 'secret recipe chocolate cake', 'worlds best cassorole', 'corn muffins', and 'apple pie'. No one can leave their grandmother's house with their jeans buttoned because grandmothers will feed you and feed you more until you beg them to stop. They mean well and they are only doing it because you have been neglected by your own mother, but they can't see that the excessive gross amounts of food they are pushing is the reason cities like San Francisco are banning toys from happy meals. The bottom line is this: when mothers neglect their daughters, the daughters will seek that relationship with their grandmothers and grandmothers are food pushers.
Another reason could be that parents are afraid to tell their teen daughter that she really doesn't need to eat that burrito at ten o'clock at night for the fear of their daughter developing anorexia or having to answer 'yes' to the dreaded question of '...you think I am too fat, don't you???'
Instead of tiptoeing around the issue of obesity with teen girls, perhaps they should be reminded of the health problems associated with eating too little and eating too much. Both which can result in death. Yes, use the word 'death'. Being obese or anorexic limits choices of boyfriends as well. It means you will only be dated by men who need you for money or a greencard. It also limits your choices of clothing. Too skinny and you'll have to buy your clothes at places that sell cloth pipe covers. Too fat, well, stores are selling clothes large enough to cover a car, but they will still be stuck with that loser boyfriend.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Cats and Dogs
Why is it that women who live alone with 3 cats are considered to be loners who collect flowery things and know way too much about the history of Polka music? But woman who live alone with 3 dogs are considered to be athletic with short hair and shop at Eddie Bauer? A man who lives alone with 3 cats has mommy issues and has never had a girlfriend. A man who lives with 3 dogs probably has all his hair, but can stay in a romantic relationship for only 4 months. A woman who owns a snake also has many tattoos and piercings that get infected from time to time. She also has short black hair. A man who owns a snake probably never washes his jeans and talks too much. A woman who owns a rabbit or a hamster has been off Prozac for about a year and talks like a robot in their voice mail greeting. A man who owns a rabbit is probably a gourmet cook with anger issues. A man or a woman who owns more than 4 house animals has no sense of smell and not many friends. A man or a woman who owns a wild exotic animal will always be declined for a life insurance policy.
Anyone who owns a beta fish is lazy and probably lives in a deplorable living condition. If you own a horse, you are probably in the upper tax bracket.
These are my uneducated conclusions and if they bother you, then you need to lose your flowery trinket collection or clean your piercings with alcohol.
Anyone who owns a beta fish is lazy and probably lives in a deplorable living condition. If you own a horse, you are probably in the upper tax bracket.
These are my uneducated conclusions and if they bother you, then you need to lose your flowery trinket collection or clean your piercings with alcohol.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I Bite My Nails
If you are the 1 in 7.876 folks who has this disgusting habit then you can understand. I bite my nails when I get anxious, like when I am lost in my car or late for an appointment. But most of the time, I bite my nails for pure pleasure. To me, it's like peeling sunburned skin or popping a ripe zit. It satisfies a part of my brain that no narcotic drug can reach. It makes me feel like a dictator and my nails are little minions subjected to my constant torture and abuse. I know...my nails are part of me and I should be more compassionate. I am. When I wake up the next day and look at my disgusting, red, bitten down finger nails, I feel alot of remorse. Mostly for the innocent folks who have to look at it.
So I am happy to report that I have found a product that not only makes my nails stronger, but it also makes the polish last longer (wow...that rhymes). Basically, when my nails look good, I don't bite it. I leave it alone. Kind of like how we treat people in society. If they look good, we leave them alone. If they are ugly, we become bullies and subject them to harassment, rock throwing, and insults. We draw harsh conclusions about them just to feel good and superior about ourselves. But deep down inside our lower intestines, we know we are the ugly inferior ones. We are the ones with the abnormal issues and future felony records. We're the ones that society has a permenant middle finger held up right in front of our face. Okay, I am getting off subject, but as of now, my nails look pretty good. Now when I converse with strangers, I cross my arms but flex my fingers so they can see my manicure. I even wear green nail polish just to make sure I get noticed. I am pretty sure I am due to relapse soon, but for now, I AM WINNING!!!!
So I am happy to report that I have found a product that not only makes my nails stronger, but it also makes the polish last longer (wow...that rhymes). Basically, when my nails look good, I don't bite it. I leave it alone. Kind of like how we treat people in society. If they look good, we leave them alone. If they are ugly, we become bullies and subject them to harassment, rock throwing, and insults. We draw harsh conclusions about them just to feel good and superior about ourselves. But deep down inside our lower intestines, we know we are the ugly inferior ones. We are the ones with the abnormal issues and future felony records. We're the ones that society has a permenant middle finger held up right in front of our face. Okay, I am getting off subject, but as of now, my nails look pretty good. Now when I converse with strangers, I cross my arms but flex my fingers so they can see my manicure. I even wear green nail polish just to make sure I get noticed. I am pretty sure I am due to relapse soon, but for now, I AM WINNING!!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Obligated Disney Trip
I have been wanting to write about my Disney Trip for 2 months now, but everytime the motivation strikes me, IT gets striked down by nagging chores like dinner, laundry, vaccumming, shaving legs, and having to get to bed early enough so my kids aren't the ones waking me up to get them ready for school.
We decided the time was perfect to visit Disney. The kids were tall enough to ride everything and the Gulf oil spill nixed our summer vacay plans, so the funds were sorta there to do Disney World. That and we had to cut out other optional expenses like a much-needed dental crown and bunion removal surgery.
One advice I would like to give to future Disney goers and closet alcoholics is TAKE YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. One bottle of a 16 ounce beer cost as much it's six-pack from a non-Disney store. A cocktail is a good way to wrap up a good day at Disney, which is what you should expect unless your rollercoaster falls off track or you make a bad decision on the shoe you wear that day. Some things I witnessed that made me go 'hmmm...' were:
- Couples with more than 3+ kids under the age of 4.
Where is the fun in this? First of all, most kids under the age of 4 will have hazy memories their experiences. So they can't really recall as adults the experience they had at Disney. Unless you are one of those parents that just HAS to brag to your friends the awesome time you had walking around in 100F degree weather and how Mickey made a special trip just to greet you. If that's your goal, then do it. Pack your diapers, stroller, SPF 80 lotion, juice boxes, benedryl, snacks, zanax, and wipes and be battle ready for the long line waits and the crowd.
- Much older kids waiting in lines for toddler-themed lines.
By much older I mean marrying age. Like 15 if you're from Arkansas or 29 if you're from California. The only thing I want to say to new adults with NO KIDS waiting in line to ride Dumbo is: Just say NO!
- People with weak stomachs riding on rollercoasters.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You know you're going to throw up if you just watch a someone hopping on a pogo stick. Why would you empty the contents of your gastro-intestinal system if you know you're weak sorry ass is not going to be able handle a ride tailored for fetuses? If you're too stubborn to not ride, then consider dry-heaving by not eating the entire day. Dumbass.
- Parents with toddlers getting on buses just before midnight.
The parks close at 10 pm, but that doesn't mean everyone leaves right then. So it's not unusual to see parents getting on crowded buses with kids at the height of a meltdown at around 11 pm. I don't blame those poor babies for screaming, but I do blame the parents for thinking no one else notices how stupid they are.
Still, with all that said, my opinion of Disney World in Florida is that it is the most efficient well run system I have ever seen. The food is good, the people who work there are friendly to a fault, and it truly is one of the best experiences you can give your child and yourself. It's worth every penny spent, even if it means walking in birkenstocks for the next 3 years because you couldn't get that elective foot surgery. Just know that no matter where you go, you're always going to run into folks who will verify that the bell curve is true.
We decided the time was perfect to visit Disney. The kids were tall enough to ride everything and the Gulf oil spill nixed our summer vacay plans, so the funds were sorta there to do Disney World. That and we had to cut out other optional expenses like a much-needed dental crown and bunion removal surgery.
One advice I would like to give to future Disney goers and closet alcoholics is TAKE YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. One bottle of a 16 ounce beer cost as much it's six-pack from a non-Disney store. A cocktail is a good way to wrap up a good day at Disney, which is what you should expect unless your rollercoaster falls off track or you make a bad decision on the shoe you wear that day. Some things I witnessed that made me go 'hmmm...' were:
- Couples with more than 3+ kids under the age of 4.
Where is the fun in this? First of all, most kids under the age of 4 will have hazy memories their experiences. So they can't really recall as adults the experience they had at Disney. Unless you are one of those parents that just HAS to brag to your friends the awesome time you had walking around in 100F degree weather and how Mickey made a special trip just to greet you. If that's your goal, then do it. Pack your diapers, stroller, SPF 80 lotion, juice boxes, benedryl, snacks, zanax, and wipes and be battle ready for the long line waits and the crowd.
- Much older kids waiting in lines for toddler-themed lines.
By much older I mean marrying age. Like 15 if you're from Arkansas or 29 if you're from California. The only thing I want to say to new adults with NO KIDS waiting in line to ride Dumbo is: Just say NO!
- People with weak stomachs riding on rollercoasters.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You know you're going to throw up if you just watch a someone hopping on a pogo stick. Why would you empty the contents of your gastro-intestinal system if you know you're weak sorry ass is not going to be able handle a ride tailored for fetuses? If you're too stubborn to not ride, then consider dry-heaving by not eating the entire day. Dumbass.
- Parents with toddlers getting on buses just before midnight.
The parks close at 10 pm, but that doesn't mean everyone leaves right then. So it's not unusual to see parents getting on crowded buses with kids at the height of a meltdown at around 11 pm. I don't blame those poor babies for screaming, but I do blame the parents for thinking no one else notices how stupid they are.
Still, with all that said, my opinion of Disney World in Florida is that it is the most efficient well run system I have ever seen. The food is good, the people who work there are friendly to a fault, and it truly is one of the best experiences you can give your child and yourself. It's worth every penny spent, even if it means walking in birkenstocks for the next 3 years because you couldn't get that elective foot surgery. Just know that no matter where you go, you're always going to run into folks who will verify that the bell curve is true.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
School Field Trips
Today, for the 7th time, I went on a school field trip to the zoo. Having two children in elementary school, this is a regular yearly gig for me. This time however, it was different and if you are a teacher hating your job and the world, I recommend you continue reading. Instead of walking around the zoo and hoping to catch a Bengal Tiger mauling a baboon or catching elephants mating, we were given a set of questions we had to answer at most expeditions. So while we were doing the lunch time countdown, we actually learned some really good useless information.
For example, did you know that the white Bengal tiger, the one that almost killed one of the better half's of that fabulous Vegas couple, is on it's way to becoming extinct? How does an animal that is on top of the food chain become extinct? It's not like they're neutered or spayed and I am sure they have the sex drive of a rookie NFL player, so how can it be that they are not reproducing? And did you know that the crane bird is monogamous? If you're thinking how can that be possible, then you're a whore, but to be fair, those birds all look the same. None of them gain weight and the females don't have breasts. The males all have the same temperament and the females complain about the same damn thing all the time, they literally are all the same. There is another animal that I can't remember now where the father raises the young while the mother goes and tries to get knocked up again. Wow. With the exception of the mother birds getting knocked up again, those birds can be really good role models for ghetto high school students.
Also, if you ever see a really pretty vibrant colored frog, stay the hell away from it. Those frogs are from the rainforest and each one can kill up to 22 humans. I know you're thinking "hey...this is bad information for someone in the wrong mind" but I am thinking "hey...let this person try to grab this frog" and no, latex surgical gloves won't protect you from the poison.
As you can see, I learned alot of good information from this one zoo trip. I am seriously considering trading my ill-tempered watch-dog pitbull for a group of rainforest frogs.
For example, did you know that the white Bengal tiger, the one that almost killed one of the better half's of that fabulous Vegas couple, is on it's way to becoming extinct? How does an animal that is on top of the food chain become extinct? It's not like they're neutered or spayed and I am sure they have the sex drive of a rookie NFL player, so how can it be that they are not reproducing? And did you know that the crane bird is monogamous? If you're thinking how can that be possible, then you're a whore, but to be fair, those birds all look the same. None of them gain weight and the females don't have breasts. The males all have the same temperament and the females complain about the same damn thing all the time, they literally are all the same. There is another animal that I can't remember now where the father raises the young while the mother goes and tries to get knocked up again. Wow. With the exception of the mother birds getting knocked up again, those birds can be really good role models for ghetto high school students.
Also, if you ever see a really pretty vibrant colored frog, stay the hell away from it. Those frogs are from the rainforest and each one can kill up to 22 humans. I know you're thinking "hey...this is bad information for someone in the wrong mind" but I am thinking "hey...let this person try to grab this frog" and no, latex surgical gloves won't protect you from the poison.
As you can see, I learned alot of good information from this one zoo trip. I am seriously considering trading my ill-tempered watch-dog pitbull for a group of rainforest frogs.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Texting
I am finally getting a phone with text messaging. I should note today is Monday, September 27, 2010. I have avoided texting because I don't know how to drive and text at the same time and I am really glad it's a law that penalizes texters caught doing that. So that is one milestone development I can skip. Texting was invented because of people who talk too damn much and don't know when to shut up. How many of us have fallen victim to someone's endless rattles about a dramatic day? How can you end a conversation in the middle of a emotionally charged rant when all your doing is praying that THEY get an interruption. When the interruption happens on their end, it's like hitting the lottery. When hope of ending the call fades, your brain plans the escape strategy while your lips play interferance by saying "yeah...really...wow...yup...I hear ya...". Caller ID was a great way to avoid them, but then we knew at some point a conversation had to happen and we ran out of excuses of not calling back. We can only fake so many headaches that made us go to bed early. So now all we have to do is text this: "hi got ur msg. hope all is well. i call u nxt week 4 lunch. cant wait to catch up." Not only are you avoiding a verbal conversation, but your writing skills will earn you a F minus minus in grammer. Leave it to texting to undo years of learning proper English grammer. Sadly, there are many folks who write business emails using texting grammer. Could this also be a contributing factor to our high unemployment rate? "hi its mary. i applied for teh admin job adn wanted to know if iam hired. pls reply." For now I think we can blame unemployment to folks getting dumb in their writing. That is until everyone starts using texting grammer. What a decline in our society. It's like we're being invaded by a bunch of __________ . I left this blank because I know we all have some ugly inside of us about how we feel of certain people. Back to texting...I am just glad I'll be able to keep in touch with people I don't like to associate with. What a great device to make me seem like such a caring person. I just hope it doesn't turn me into a grammerly deficiently writeress.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
In the Beginning (again)
I started to write about why you need to read me. But I am not really good at selling myself, which is why prostitution was never an option as a career choice. So let me start by telling you about my girls scout meeting yesterday.
First, there is four troop leader with me being the laziest one. There is one leader with that type A personality who takes control of everything. This okay with the rest of us since we have a type C- personality. Works for me since there is no money involved in this. I know most of you are thinking that there should be glory and pride in shaping our girls of the future, but there really isn't. Ideally, if they do something so wonderful that their story gets published in Readers Digest, you would hope they would give a shout out to you. But what if they end up as a crack head? Do you still take credit for that? Hell no. That's her mama's fault.
Anyways, so we always start the meeting with a snack. And by 'snack' I mean a plateful of crap that would normally be used to lure away members from a Weight Watcher's meeting. Not only do they inhale it down, they leave a mess when they come back for seconds. It's funny...you can whisper 'come get your snacks' in pig latin and they understand you just fine. But they develop deafness when asked to clean up. This is normally how the meetings start. Then we either have a craft just to make them feel useful, or we have a Q and A session about an upcoming event. This is why I get mad when we tell kids 'There are no such things as stupid question'. No! There is! And if I was in charge of the Q & A session, I would warn them that if they ask stupid questions they would be banned from having a snack. The only proven way to alter their immature behavior is to withhold the snacks. Not breakfast, lunch, or dinner....snacks. Just snacks.
I know you're thinking my negitive attitude belongs in the toilet. But I promise you I always put on a nice fake smile and phoney happy attitude when I am at these meetings. So it's all good. Oh, yeah. I was suppose to talk about my actual meeting yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was just happy to leave 10 minutes early.
First, there is four troop leader with me being the laziest one. There is one leader with that type A personality who takes control of everything. This okay with the rest of us since we have a type C- personality. Works for me since there is no money involved in this. I know most of you are thinking that there should be glory and pride in shaping our girls of the future, but there really isn't. Ideally, if they do something so wonderful that their story gets published in Readers Digest, you would hope they would give a shout out to you. But what if they end up as a crack head? Do you still take credit for that? Hell no. That's her mama's fault.
Anyways, so we always start the meeting with a snack. And by 'snack' I mean a plateful of crap that would normally be used to lure away members from a Weight Watcher's meeting. Not only do they inhale it down, they leave a mess when they come back for seconds. It's funny...you can whisper 'come get your snacks' in pig latin and they understand you just fine. But they develop deafness when asked to clean up. This is normally how the meetings start. Then we either have a craft just to make them feel useful, or we have a Q and A session about an upcoming event. This is why I get mad when we tell kids 'There are no such things as stupid question'. No! There is! And if I was in charge of the Q & A session, I would warn them that if they ask stupid questions they would be banned from having a snack. The only proven way to alter their immature behavior is to withhold the snacks. Not breakfast, lunch, or dinner....snacks. Just snacks.
I know you're thinking my negitive attitude belongs in the toilet. But I promise you I always put on a nice fake smile and phoney happy attitude when I am at these meetings. So it's all good. Oh, yeah. I was suppose to talk about my actual meeting yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was just happy to leave 10 minutes early.
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